Red Flags vs. Anxiety: How to Tell the Difference
Not every weird feeling is intuition, and not every excuse is a red flag. Here's a framework for figuring out which is which.
Your stomach dropped when they took 4 hours to reply. Is that your intuition warning you? Or is it anxiety doing what anxiety does?
This is one of the most common questions we get at Walkthrough: "How do I know if I'm seeing a real red flag or just being anxious?" And it's a genuinely difficult thing to figure out, especially when you're in the thick of it.
Let's break it down.
Understanding the Difference
Anxiety Tends to Be General
Anxiety rarely has a specific, logical target. It's more like a diffuse sense of dread that attaches itself to whatever's available. "They used a period instead of an exclamation mark—do they hate me now?"
Red Flags Are Usually Patterns
Real red flags typically show up as consistent patterns of behavior, not one-off incidents. One short response isn't a red flag. Regularly dismissing your feelings or consistently canceling plans at the last minute? That's a pattern worth paying attention to.
The Framework
Try asking yourself these questions:
Is This About What Happened or What Might Happen?
Anxiety is future-focused. It's all about catastrophizing potential outcomes. Real concerns are usually based on things that have actually occurred.
Would I Think This Was a Red Flag if a Friend Told Me About It?
We're often much more rational about other people's situations than our own. Try getting some emotional distance by imagining a friend describing the same scenario.
Has This Behavior Actually Affected Me Negatively?
Real red flags cause real problems. Has this person's behavior actually hurt you, disrespected you, or made you feel bad about yourself? Or are you anxious about something that hasn't happened yet?
Am I Looking for Problems?
Sometimes when we're anxious, we go looking for evidence to confirm our fears. If you're scrutinizing every tiny behavior for signs of doom, that's anxiety talking.
Common Anxiety-Disguised-as-Intuition Scenarios
- They didn't text back within an hour
- They used a different emoji than usual
- They were quieter than normal on one date
- They didn't ask a follow-up question
- They said "sounds good" instead of "sounds great"
Actual Red Flag Patterns to Watch For
- Consistently making you feel like your needs are too much
- Regularly dismissing your concerns or making you feel crazy
- Patterns of dishonesty or inconsistency
- Making you feel worse about yourself over time
- Not respecting boundaries you've clearly communicated
The Catch
Here's the tricky part: sometimes anxiety can be right. Past experiences have taught your nervous system to be vigilant, and occasionally that vigilance picks up on real problems.
The key isn't to dismiss all your worried thoughts as "just anxiety." It's to develop the skill of distinguishing between the signal and the noise. That's what the Flag Checker in Walkthrough helps you do—input a specific behavior, and get an objective analysis to help you see more clearly.
Building Trust in Your Own Judgment
The ultimate goal is to feel confident in your ability to read situations accurately. This takes practice and self-compassion. You're not going to get it right every time, and that's okay.
Start noticing which of your worries turn out to be founded and which ones don't. Over time, you'll develop a better sense of when to trust your gut and when to reassure yourself.
You've got this.